The Struggles I Face Postpartum

I never thought I’d be sitting here holding my beautiful baby boy and feeling some type of sadness. I’ve battled back and forth trying to decide if this was something I wanted to put out there for the universe to see on top of the guilt myself and I’m sure other  mothers feel for feeling this way.

You know that nightmare about giving a speech in your underwear? That’s basically what sharing this story is like for me. This is me, standing in front of everyone I know and an internet full of strangers, letting it all hang out. That type of vulnerability can be terrifying, but I know it’s worth it.

It’s worth it because sharing my story is part of my own healing. The monster in the closet disappears when you shine a light on it.

It’s worth it because I know there are other women out there struggling in silence, feeling ashamed and alone. If one mother reads this and reaches out for help, it’s worth it.

I created this blog to make others understand they’re not alone and it’s okay to have the good, bad, and ugly feelings. I’m still trying to tell myself it’s okay to feel isolated, alone, afraid, and sad. There’s nothing wrong with you !! Everyone is afraid to speak these feelings because of the judgement of being depressed. I’m sure it goes through your mind or at least mine, if I feel sad people will think I’m ungrateful and/or a bad mother. WRONG!!!!

When I was a little girl, if you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would have told you that I wanted to be a mommy. While I went on to have other professional goals and passions, my desire to be a mother never dwindled. I knew that someday, somehow, I would be someone’s mama.

I love my son immensely, but it’s hard work. Not just hard work, but you’re going through so much hormonal imbalance and a new transition of life. A life of taking 2 minutes showers where your might’ve took 20, a life of never leaving the house without makeup to not wearing any, a life of buying designer clothing to dressing in target, the list goes on. I can say this is all new transitions for me. It doesn’t make you a bad mother for feeling these type of feelings. In fact wanting to put on a little mascara or workout because you want to lose weight shows self love and a great representation to your baby. So many people are judgmental. Judgmental if you workout, don’t workout if you want to look good, leave the house not matching, etc. I wish people would be kinder. For me it’s such a struggle with my weight gain. I know I had a baby, but I hate not being a size two. Working out was always been a mental distress for me but feeling so far from my end goal I’m like is there really a point to even trying ??

Out of the blogs I write about or chose to write about this by far is a very special and important one. It’s to let you other mothers out there know you’re not alone, it’s okay to feel sad or frustrated, I hear you, I see you, and I’m here for you!!! I’ve struggled a lot during postpartum. I’ve battled with myself to feel depressed about this new body that I had versus looking into his eyes thinking I can’t believe I created this beautiful baby. I’ve battled and still battle with my father not being here. Some say he looks down on me and I would like to believe that, but I’m talking more about him physically being here, watching me be a mother and being able to interactive with him. He could never do that and it breaks my heart. I’ve never accepted my father’s death as it was such a surprise to everyone. He wasn’t sick or battling cancer for a long time. He was a healthy 74 year old benching 405lbs and staying up later than me. As soon as I had my son I had to smile, be happy  like everyone expected me to be, but I was battling. Battling that I couldn’t let my feelings out. I never want my son to see me sad or think he caused any type of sadness so I guess I never really got to mourn over my father which is a daily struggle.

I also think it’s difficult too because you compare yourself to others seeing on social media that they’re in this “newborn bubble” and it makes you feel why am I feeling this way??

No two births are the same – and no two moms have the same experience or emotions postpartum. When you’re juggling the needs of your little one, worrying about what to expect postpartum, as well as recovering from birth and adjusting to some huge changes in lifestyle, it’s easy to understand why expectations from the outside world can feel overwhelming.

In a recent study, it shows that 85% of first-time moms agree that the first year of postpartum motherhood is nothing like what they see on social media – because it makes parenting look easy. 59% of moms said they don’t feel society allows them to share how hard the first year of postpartum motherhood truly is.

On a daily basis I sometimes feel like I’m not enough and that I can’t get my baby to stop crying most of it is survival mode instead of realizing one day he won’t need me to rock him and trying to enjoy it . These days don’t go on forever, but in the moment it’s hard af to try to comprehend this. I expected to bounce back into shape because of how healthy I was and have a baby that just went to sleep boy was I wrong. He’s colicky, has acid reflux, went through 5 formulas, fights to sleep, the list goes on. No one really talks about the struggles and the people that struggle feel guilty thinking they’re the only ones to feel this way. I talk to my friends that have kids and they also only talk about how their kids sleep no problem and nap well and they don’t even look like they had a baby. Again, it makes you feel what’s wrong with me? Maybe I’m not cut out to be a mother because I’m struggling or I only have one kid and I’m struggling, maybe I’m a failure. Let’s normalize the struggles and make women feel less isolated.

I was also struggling with breastfeeding. I had a significant amount of supply, but due to my husband working so much and not being able to pump my supply decreased. He was a colicky baby also so I could never put him down so I wouldn’t eat and my supply decreased that way too. Lactation consultants, breastfeeding groups, a hospital-grade pump, shakes, fluids, power pumping – you name it, I tried it. I had always been a hard worker, and when I dedicated myself to a goal, I typically achieved it. Not this time – and that was a hard pill to swallow. When it came to breastfeeding, despite my best efforts, I just couldn’t seem to succeed. Another failure on the ever-growing list. Every two hours, when it was time to feed my son, my stomach sank. Like clockwork, 12 times a day, I was reminded of my inadequacy.

Now that I have a child, I think I finally get why parents don't always stay together after having a baby.

The truth is that a lot of partners just aren't able to comprehend how much women go through mentally, physically and emotionally during pregnancy and postpartum. Who we were before pregnancy, is not the same person that we are post birth & throughout postpartum.

We come out the other side as a totally different person. A brand new, often unrecognisable version of us both inside and outside.. and yet, so many expect us to be the same person we were before.

We need communication, reassurance patience & understanding during this vulnerable time... and the reality is that some just aren't able to fully understand this.

A message to my husband-

During all of this time you have been by my side. You have been the incredible source of support I needed through all of this. It’s through moments like this that I am so thankful to have your by my side. You are my better half. You’ve held me as I’ve sat crying on the bed. You’ve helped me calm down during the sporadic moments of frustration.

I’m lucky enough to have a husband that supports me and that is a hands on dad. To know Leo feels secure in your love is a gift. Knowing he will always understand the love of a father will have eternal rewards. Most of all, thank you for representing and being the very best Daddy in the whole wide world. You are the rock of our family that could never, ever go unnoticed. Husbands have a way of getting a bad rap when it comes to this parenting thing, but that isn’t true. You are the backbone of our family, and I am so very thankful that I get to do this life with you.

I hope anyone that goes through postpartum has support from family and friends to get through it, it’s not easy! I am always here to talk if anyone needs someone to talk to, you’re not alone.

Disclaimer-

Information presented on this blog is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of a properly licensed health care professional.

Please note that opinions on this site are my views and conclusions based on the research I have done, my personal experience or experiences relayed to me from friends and family. It should never replace medical advice from your doctor.